no japan yet. haha. i think partly why i keep putting off writing abt it now, is that i want to pretend i'm still away, and hope that the feeling of escapement, of being free lasts for a while longer.

meredith said once, 'i'm dark and twisty, and i'm damaged.' i think angie will agree to the first abt me, and i'll admit to the last two. i really try to let the wounds heal. but as the scab grows over, either i will scratch it open again. or something will peel it off. be it the smallest most insignificant shit. like fairy lights. or an espresso. or narnia. or a movie cinema. or the smell of my shampoo. the perfume. or even christmas. it peels it away again and again and again. and its so tiring. it really is.

it bugs me where we're heading. i'm too tired for anything actually. and yet there's something. god i don't make much sense do i.

i want screw time. i want mel time. i want dancers time. i want angie time (which i'm gonna get some tmr). i want rg training time. i want family time. i want drama time. i want everyone's time.

ivan and jeremy's xmas cards arrived today (: made my day. i realise despite how much animosity i feel for my class. the few friends i made there are really great loyal friends who despite my constant absence, have seen me through and through. mel, suefaye, jeremy, junwee, ivan and wanlin. (y)

melancholic tune

: chestnuts roasting on an open fire :: nat king cole :